p a p e r d o l l

There hasn’t been an introspective post for a long time. It’s not because I haven’t been thinking about things. I have. Plenty. Paris is good like that… it encourages pondering. Something about the air, the architecture. Like black-and-white photography, Paris slows things down. It wills me to sit still and take it all in. That’s what’s good about this city and what I’d most like to take away from it.

2006 has been a magical year. Should have known. 26 has always been my lucky number. I’ve seen more in 2006 than ever before. It’s been nothing short of amazing. I worked very hard and played very hard too. There was a conscious effort to live live. Head on, no regrets… that sort of thing. I guess 2006 is what’s called a turning point, especially so because 2005 was such a messy what’s-happening/who-am-I/who-do-I-want-to-be year.

I’ve come to like doing things that scare me. I don’t know where it comes from but I’m glad it’s there. The time at Yale really stoked it, that much I know. The amazing people there… from the university itself and from other parts of the world. All fascinating individuals doing fascinating things. The conversations I never wanted to end. And what about New York? Overwhelming. There’s something about America, isn’t there? That makes it what it is, that pulls the rest of the world to it. I remember most the out-loud opinions, the enthusiastic hellos. The bold zest for life is inspiring. You start genuinely believing that nothing’s impossible and your dreams can absolutely for-real come true. Scary’s inevitable on the road to realizing your dreams but it’s also totally temporary. That’s what makes the scary attractive.

Paris is… interesting. Temperamental. I have a love-loathe relationship with it. It is achingly beautiful at times. When the wind blows and the sky’s a deep shade of some colour and the tall trees bend and the buildings stand stoically. It is also perfectly capable of being most frustrating. When people shrug at you and say they simply can’t help, when certain train lines go on strike, when you nearly step on dog poo. I like it and I don’t like it.

What I very much like is being on the bus, the train, the plane. 2006 saw me on many buses and trains and planes, mostly by myself. All that time to listen to songs on my ipod. To look out the window. To look at other people and construct stories of their lives. To think. To blank out. Being alone in the company of complete strangers can be oddly soothing.

I’ve learnt much about myself in 2006. I’ve also changed, which is what I like most about 2006. How I’ve changed, I can’t put my finger on and have no intention of trying hard to pinpoint. Subtly is, I suppose, the best way to put it. Here and there, a little bit, quietly. They add up to make me more me.

I am the same girl, but not really. Post-2006 me is happier. Not the euphoric/excited sort of happy that comes with anxious worries. A more low-key kind of happy. To see me through 2007 and embrace everything that is to come. A few more months in Paris, with friends visiting and to visit and to go new places with. Fun to be had, work to be done, moments to be stored away in my mind. Then it’s back to Singapore. Home. To all that’s familiar. I know when I’m on my seat on the plane bound for home, I’ll be happy that I’ve lived the year that I have here and be ready to be happy living where home is.

Here’s to 2007 being a pleasant one filled with smiles and laughter and nice surprises.